The
NerdWorld Report
Volume 01 No 02
March 5, 2003
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Information, Commentary, News, & Other stuff that really doesn't matter all that much
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In this Issue:
Other Stuff: |
The North Korean Problem or "Striking Out in Search of Lost Friendship"
North Korea's international actions continue to grow more belligerent and more dangerous by the day. A perplexed world wonders what could be driving the world's last Stalinist country to seek confrontation with the US over nuclear weapons. The crack Pop Psychology Department of the NerdWorld Organisation have been studying this problem for months (in between episodes of the "Pet Psychic" on Animal Planet), and has arrived at a shocking conclusion. North Korean strongman Kim Jung Il, also known as the "Dear Leader", is lashing out at the world in general, and the United States in particular, not to divert attention from his failed economy which has lead to mass starvation, or to extract nuclear blackmail from the United States. His anger is caused by the simple psychological trauma of losing a best friend. Read on to find out the whole shocking story.
True, Kim merely has to look southward to see the prosperity of his fellow Koreans, a prosperity that is conspicuously absent in the north. Most people would feel inadequate, being the ruler of the lesser half of a divided nation. But still, as Lucifer says in Milton's Paradise Lost, "It is better to reign in Hell than serve in heaven." So why is Kim feeling sad?
Few people realize this, but Kim spent his formative years in New York City. There, he kept a small, dingy apartment with his girlfriend. His best friend Ed, who lived upstairs, was his constant companion. Days were spent at the coffee houses arguing over the suppression of the urban proletariat and the rise of the industrial bourgeoisie. Nights were spent with Ed at the local pool hall, or on occasion, the local Raccoon Lodge. Kim had high hopes of winning the coveted "Raccoon of the Year" award. Tragically, instead of winning, he had to give the speech announcing that his best friend, sewer worker Ed Norton, had in fact won the award that Kim thought was his.
Returning to North Korea after the death of his father Kim Il Sung in 1992, the Dear Leader was forced to abandon his cherished friends, and in the anger born of despondency, he began to raise his ambitions beyond being buried in the Raccoon Cemetery in Bismarck, North Dakota, and turned instead to the intoxicating power of nuclear weapons. Further deepening Kim's emotional trauma was the rift which had developed between he and Ed just before the Great Leader's death. Ed and Kim had bought TV air time in New York City to sell their "Handy Housewife Helper", a gadget that combined the functions of a bottle opener, screw driver, corkscrew, and hundreds of other kitchen tools. Kim's dreams of riches were shattered when severe stage fright overcame him, and the TV commercial (and business venture) failed. A falling out between the partners left both men bitter and on non-speaking terms, just before the Great Leader's death forced Kim's return to Korea.
Deep friendship, the friendship of mutual love, makes men do foolish things.
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The NerdWorld Report A service of The NerdWorld Organisation and Vorlon Information Technologies 41 Mystery Rose Lane West Grove, PA 19390-8806 |
The NerdWorld Report is published sporadically, whenever the mood strikes. The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of the NerdWorld Report, the NerdWorld Organisation, or Vorlon Information Technologies, their assigns, heirs, creditors, or even the article's author. Any relationship to any person living or dead is purely coincidental. Any information presented as "fact" is probably based on faulty research (at best) or entirely made up (at worst). Your mileage may vary. We sincerely apologize to anyone who may find something offensive on these pages, and hope that you are able to reestablish a correct dosage for your medication. |
To
look at Kim Jong Il, the "Dear Leader" and son the late dictator Kim Il
Sung (the "Great Leader"), you would think he had everything a modern
Stalinist could ever want. He is the undisputed leader of 25 million
people, he has a large (albeit primitive) army, and he is very active in
the world political scene. Although his people are starving
under the economic catastrophe that his communist system has created, Kim
himself lives the life of a playboy. Women are enchanted by his
classic proletarian uniform, his European styled eyewear, and the slight
portliness indicative of a well fed tyrant.
This
side of Kim's life is not well known, primarily because he had adopted the
nom de guerre of "Ralph Kramden". It was in this guise that he
infiltrated a critical part of our metropolitan transportation system,
no-doubt with an eye to conduct some future terrorist activity.
These were happy days for Kim (aka "Ralph"), but alas, they did not last.
Kim
Il Jung now finds himself alone at the pinnacle of lonely Stalinist
society. His one true friend refuses to speak with him, and remains
thousands of miles away, holed up in the sewers beneath Brooklyn, NY.
Is it any wonder that Kim yearns for the attention of the world's sole
superpower? Imagine the frustration he feels, when even threatening
nuclear war cannot bring the recognition (and simple friendship) that he
craves.